Anyone who has kids or is around kids knows how hard it is to interpret toddler talk. Now imagine the toddler has a stuffy nose. It’s like a speech impaired parrot on crack. They just keep repeating it over and over again with absolutely no adult comprehension. So you feed them a damn cookie or cracker just to stop the insanity. After there is no more food you are left with the fact that you are going to have to come up with Plan B. So my brilliant plan B was just say “Oh really, sure, ok, cool” I figured that covered all my bases and so I went with it for most of the morning. I soon realized I said Ok to shoving play dough into my three hole puncher, putting cheerios into the enchiladas and that yes it was ok to take the brand new bottle of glue, the cat and go into her bedroom behind closed doors. Plan B just kicked me in the ass. Right after lunch I agreed to what I thought would be some peaceful bubble blowing only to walk outside and find one of my dogs drenched in bubble goo. “Trouble like it mom, he is special.” Hmm. Ok I decided I am gonna have to go a whole different direction with the kid today and re-learn her language. So I grabbed my own bubble wand and sat down to have a heart to heart with the 3 year old. I soon felt as though I entered a world with mushrooms, rainbows and VW busses that ran on glitter. Man I wanna live in that world all the time.
Rugrat: That cow leg disgusting, it cant breathe. (yes the dogs brought another one)
Mom: Well it’s dead hun it’s just a leg.
Rugrat: I am dead too, I have a leg.
Mom: Yes you have a leg but you are alive.
Rugrat: I am not alive, I am a girl.
Mom: We talked about this yesterday you are a girl and Daddy and E-man are boys, but you are still alive.
Rugrat: No I am special
Mom: Yes you are alive and special
Rugrat: That’s disgusting
Mom: What is disgusting?
Rugrat: Daddy said you have a big butt.
Mom: Oh really, Well daddy has a ….. (breathe, count) daddy is funny huh
Rugrat: No daddy is disgusting
Mom: That’s not nice
Rugrat: You make me sad say sorry
Mom: Ok I am sorry?!?
Rugrat: I want to get the dirty off and be sunny.
Mom: No response….what the hell does that mean?
Rugrat: I had a special fart mom
Mom: That is nice, you need to say excuse me
Rugrat: I don’t like my movie its not special its dirty
Mom: We aren’t watching a movie we are blowing bubbles
Rugrat: My turtle has a special fart.
Mom: We don’t have a turtle
Rugrat: He is dead
Mom: What turtle is dead. We don’t have a turtle boogs.
Rugrat: Say hi to him
Mom: Hi to who?
Rugrat: Turtle is tickling me
Mom: That is nice
Rugrat: No it’s not nice it’s disgusting
Mom: Ok well tell him to stop tickling you.
Rugrat: Stop mom you make me sad again.
Mom: Ok well we need to go pick out a book and take a nap.
Rugrat: (screaming) No it’s not bed time, bed time disgusting, I am a girl you make me sad.
Mom: (just staring)
Rugrat: Say sorry mom.
Mom: Ummm if you take a nap I will give you a cookie.
Rugrat: Two, three, four cookies.
Mom: Sure why the hell not!
